


mituna_and_the_terrible_awful_no_good_very_bad_day

by tastelesscreature



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Brain Damage, Celestial destruction of Collide-proportions, Chucklevoodoos, Gen, Mind Control, Mind Rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 02:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16421045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tastelesscreature/pseuds/tastelesscreature
Summary: My project for the Beforuszine on Tumblr. I was assigned Kurloz as my main troll to focus on, so I made him the macguffin that fucks Mituna's shit up by exploring what happened between them when Captor got brain damaged.





	mituna_and_the_terrible_awful_no_good_very_bad_day

tactfulCultist [TC] began hassling threeprongedAuger [TA]

 

TC: hey, WHAT is PINK and GOLD and HAS not BEEN seen IN three DAYS?

TA: KZ 1'M N07 1N 7H3 M00D F0R 0N3 0F Y0UR P0P CL0WNUDRUM5.

TC: SO the HEIRESS up AND pulls A houdini AND you're NOT bothered BY this?

TA: WHY W0ULD 1 M155 7H47 817CH? 5UR3 Y0U D1DN'7 M34N 70 M3554G3 C4?

TC: didn't YOUR visions OF oncoming DOOM entail RUNAWAY royalty?

TA: L457 1 CH3CK3D Y0U D1DN’7 C4R3 480U7 4NY V1510N5 7H47 C0LL1D3D W17H Y0UR R3L1G10N’5 5H17 PR0PH3CY.

TC: SERKET’S been ASKING around SINCE she WENT missing.

TC: SHE remembered YOU spouting ABOUT that GILLED ninjette KICKSTARTING the END.

TA: 0H 50 N0W 3V3RY0N3 W4N75 70 L1573N 70 7H3 CR4ZY P1558L00D 4ND H34R WH47 7H3 V01C35 1N H15 H34D H4V3 70 54Y!

TC: COME on, LEVEL with A brother.

TA: H0W 480U7 Y0U L3V3L Y0UR P4N W17H MY 8ULG3!

TC: )(OW ABOAT YOU DROP T)(-E DUMB FUCKIN MAC)(IN-E!!!

TA: WH47?

CC: the cruxeshit put it down so I can can get the fuck outta here!

CC: im gettin fuckin pummeled by rocks!

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

When the hell did you doze off? You just finished connecting with Meenah when… you  can’t remember. You were planning on taking your sweet time deploying her equipment  while her lunar hideout got peppered with asteroids but your spare time’s been robbed by an impromptu nap and now you have to get her in before she’s sleeping with the craters.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

AC: ฅ ^•ω•^ ฅ < IF YOU’RE F33LING MEWDY, PURRHAPS YOU SHOULD FIND A HOBBY TO HELP  YOU RELAX.

AC: (=^o^=)< I HAVE AN IDEA!

AC: (^ΦωΦ^) ノ < I ALCEMIZED MY LUSUS’ STASH AFTER AMPURRA DEPLOYED THOSE MACHINES. 

AC: (= ￣ 3 ￣ =)y-~~< COME BY MY LAND AND I’LL SMOKE YOU UP!

TA: 1'M N07 5M0K1NG C47N1P.

TA: W417, Y0U G07 57UCK W17H H1M 45 4 53RV3R?

AC: (=^‥^=)< I WOULDN’T SAY STUCK. MORE LIKE PAIRED!

TA: W0W, 1 KN3W 1 W0N 7H3 5H17 L0773RY H4V1NG K4NKR1 L3C7UR1NG M3 0N 1N73RN37  371QU3773 WH1L3 G01NG 7HR0UGH MY 57UFF. 8U7 17 L00K5 L1K3 Y0U G07 53C0ND PL4C3 1N 7H3 "1'M 7H3 H3R0 1N 7H3 W0R57 P01N7 4ND CL1CK 4DV3N7UR3" C0N7357.

AC: (^•ω•^)⊃━☆< HE’S NOT SO BAD. HE THINKS WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE SINCE WE’RE BOTH SPELLCATSTERS.

TA: D0N'7 73LL M3 Y0U'R3 1N70 7H47 W1Z4RD 5H17 700.

AC: (=^ω^=)< MY CONSORTS COMMUNED WITH ME AFTER I ARRIVED HERE. THEY SAID I’M THE  MAGE OF HEART!

AC: \\(=^ ･ ω ･ ^=)/< WHEN CRONUS FOUND OUT ABOUT MY TITLE, HE GOT EXCITED AND STARTED  TELLING ME HOW HE GOT HIS SCAR AND HIS DESTINY TO DEFEAT THE EVIL WIZARD THAT GAVE IT TO HIM.

TA: Y0U M34N H3 W45 H1771NG 0N Y0U.

AC: (=`ω´=)< MAYBE I CAN USE MY NEWFOUND PAWERS TO HELP HIM FILL HIS QUADRANTS!

TA: 4R3 Y0U 3V3N L1573N1G?

TA: F0RG37 1 45K3D 7H47.

AC: ( ฅ ^ω^ ฅ )< I BET KURLOZ COULD PITCH IN AND FIND HIM A PURRFECT BLACK SUITOR.  IMAGINE THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN A WIZARD-IN-TRAINING AND A RIVAL-TURNED-PARTNER!

AC: (=°-°=)< SCRATCHING AWAY AT HIS MENTAL BARRIER UNTIL THEY FIND A WEAKSPOT.

TA: W3LP, 7H4NK5 F0R 3NR1CH1NG MY D4Y W17H 4 GL1MP53 1N70 L4 L4-J0N L4ND.

AC: (=° ﹃ °=) < EVISCERATING HIS FAITH UNTIL IT’S JUST A MANGLED HUSK OF BROKEN DREAMS.

 

threeprongedAuger [TA] blocked artlessCupid [AC]

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

circesApprentice [CA] began hassling threeprongedAuger [TA]

 

CA: yo

TA: WH47 D0 Y0U W4N7?

CA: vwowv rude

CA: can’t a guy check in on a fellowv teammate vwithout getting attitude?

TA: CH3CK1NG 1N? 1'M N07 50M3 CR1PPL3D WR1GGL3R. PL4Y1NG CULL3R 15N'7 G0NN4 W1N Y0U  8UCK37 P01N75.

CA: who said anything about buckets? i mean im dowvn if you vwant to get buckets invwolvwed. i just assumed you vwere using your usual raunchy vwocabulary to repel ANY8ODY that tries to givwe you the time of night.

TA: WH47 D0 Y0U W4N7? 

CA: just vwanted to talk is all.

TA: 17'5 N3V3R JU57 70 74LK.

TA: L00K C4N W3 JU57

TA: N07 D0 7H15 R1GH7 N0W?

TA: MY H34D5 K1LL1NG M3

CA: another migraine-induced premonition, huh?

CA: doesnt it get exhausting, havwing nobody to talk to about the crazy shit that  gets vwispered to you? vwouldnt it be nice to havwe somebody to lend an ear, evwen if that ear also happened to havwe the vwebbed tines of a fellowv coplayer, who also has a prophecy that nobody givwes a shit about when he tries to explain it to them?

TA: Y0U'R3 0N3 0F 7H3 N080D135 7H47 D035N'7 L1573N!

CA: maybe vwe could get along better if vwe had something to mutually bond ovwer.

CA: like MAGIC

TA: H3R3 W3 G0

TA: D1D Y0U M155 7H3 P4R7 WH3R3 1 M3N710N3D 7H3 H34D4CH3 7H47 M4K35 17 H4RD3R F0R M3 70 1N73R4C7 W17H Y0U 455H0L35?

CA: the other day vwhile vwe were on lopah, i tried this newv incantation on a rock, and guess vwhat? it started LEVWITATING! it was only for moment but it vwas so cool.

TA: 7H47 W45 M3 NUM8GL0835!

TA: 1 7H0UGH7 Y0U W0ULD H4V3 F1GUR3D 7H47 0U7 WH3N 17 5L4MM3D 1N70 Y0UR F4C3 2 53C0ND5 L473R

CA: s seconds?

CA: oh, you mean tvwo seconds

CA: vwell, im vwilling to ovwerlook some, albeit mean-spirited, hijinx for the sake of a budding relationship in the hopes that it vwill growv into something a little less platonic.

TA: 0H MY G0D

CA: vwe could start vwith vwand practice. I can alchemize you a cool bicolored one and showv you some techniques.

TA: 1F Y0U PL4Y3D W17H Y0UR W4ND 45 MUCH 45 Y0U PL4Y3D W17H Y0UR 8ULG3 Y0U W0ULD 83 4 G0D D4MN 50RC3R3R 5UPR3M3.

CA: YEESH

CA: tcs messaging me, so ill leavwe you to sulk and talk to him instead.

CA: im sure vwhatever he has to say is better than any vwerbal garbage that passes your lips and vwill be more considerate of my feelings and vwalidate my beliefs.

 

circesApprentice [CA] ceased hassling threeprongedAuger [TA]

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

After celebrating the first sweep anniversary of entering this hell game, you take off for LOBAF to nurse another headache. The voices of the doomed are louder than usual. Maybe it was something in the cake? You wouldn’t put it past Meenah to get bored of planet-hopping and teen drama and take you all out at once with a death-concoction of her own design.

 

Though at this point you would welcome the food poisoning.

 

The pro to holding the event on Meenah’s planet was that yours was right next to hers, so you could fly back to your place and digest.

 

Hm?

 

You notice something small and fast soaring away from Kurloz’s land. It always stood out in the medium as a spherical eyesore. Activity meant that he must have got back to his place already. You don’t blame him for wanting to get out of there after the food was served. It was nice not being at each other’s throats for a change but you knew that tranquility wasn’t going to last long.

 

You try to focus on the object from where you’re currently hovering. All you can tell is that it’s flashing and purple. It kind of reminds you of…

 

It stops in a random location outside the veil and disappears. You figure the show’s over until a distortion bubbles in the exact same spot. You can’t make out what it is until it grows large enough for you to see that it was collapsing in on itself.

 

Oh for fuck’s sake...

 

The patch of space begins engulfing everything in its vicinity. It’s pull is strong enough to tug some of the closer meteors from Skaia’s gravitational pull. Fortunately Derse was on the opposite side of the veil’s ring or it would have been sucked in by now.

 

WHO THE FUCK SUMMONED A BLACK HOLE!?

 

You change course for LOTAM, figuring that’s the place you’ll most likely get your answer.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

  
You arrive at the multi-colored hellscape and find its resident player at the base of the unfinished tower that was once his hive, looking up and admiring the vortex like it was a god damn sunset.

 

He wasn’t alone. Damara was nearby leaning against the infrastructure, watching on with less enthusiasm. Meulin and Cronus were present as well, both staring into the void with the same empty, purple stares Meulin makes when she blurts excerpts from the clown bible.

 

Kurloz looks in your direction, his smile unfettered by sudden company. Before you can ask him “what the hell is going on!?”, he raises his hand like he’s holding something. Cronus mimics the same motion with his wand, aiming at you. It’s white with intricate designs, nothing like the toy ones you saw him trying to combat the imps with. A retort mixed with innuendo dies in your throat when you see light sparking at the tip.

 

Meulin steps up while withdrawing her own pimped-out claws from her strife deck. Damara also appears to be stepping up to the plate but then she passes you to focus on something else. She raises her hand and you stare out at the circus horizon to see what she was going to do. You expected one of the these stupid tents to get uprooted by telekinetic force but instead you hear a loud, distant boom and look over to see Horuss’ land was knocked out of orbit and smashed into Kankri’s.

 

LOCAS and LOPAH join the meteor belt as chunks of geo drifting at the mercy of zero-gravity. There’s no way she pulled that off by herself, she must have used necropathy to enlist help from beyond the grave. Damara states something and it takes you a second to process her words and translate that she said “Nobody was on those planets”.

 

That’s right. Everyone else is back on LODAG, stuffing their faces with cake and oblivious to their imminent doom.

 

FUCK

 

You just wanted to go to your hive, crawl into coon, and sleep off that psycho’s cake. But NO, you gotta play interstellar pinball with _this_ psycho!

 

You’re reminded that Megido isn’t the only one stirring shit up when you dodge a shot of white light that singes a hole through the tent behind you. Meulin can’t get  to you as long as you’re airborne but Cronus is another story. You ascend pass LOTAM’s ozone to get out of the meat-puppet’s firing range and return to your match of space-stickball.

 

Meulin’s land begins to quake as it’s being yanked from its rotation before succumbing to the hole’s pull and leaving you down 9 planets. Damara’s land remains intact despite being closer to the vortex than LOLCAT. No doubt her doing.

 

You decide it’s your turn in celestial croquet and use your own planet as canon fodder for LODAG just in time to be blindsided by Cronu’s land, a planet that had been eclipsed by Skaia moments ago.

 

Great. Now you have planetary debris AND pissed off angels.

 

Optic blasts just make them angrier and your job harder, so you use the space vacuum to your advantage by knocking the feathery assholes into its suction with LOWAA’s and LOBAF’s shrapnel.

 

How the fuck do you stop this thing? You remember Aranea blabbing about how SGRUB’s game mechanics can serve different roles depending on the session. How a dead session causes a kernalsprite to become a black hole. -Safe to assume that was blinking, purple thing from earlier.- The wormhole’s job is to bring the player’s home planet into the medium. But it’s _already in_ the game. It already sucked in a land and wasn’t appeased, then it ate the angels and that did no good. Maybe you need to use something bigger?

 

You look out into the incipisphere. The answer to your problem might be directly in the middle of this interplanetary clusterfuck. Skaia continues rotating, indifferent to the chaos surrounding it. It was larger than the lands and moons encircling it. Maybe large enough to trick the vortex into thinking it's done its job.

 

It’s either your co-players or the soon-to-be universe.

 

Yay, freedom of choice.

 

It’s denser than the lands you were pushing around earlier and takes more juice on your end to get it moving. Megido seems to have caught on to what you’re attempting  because there’s a strong force doubling down and pushing against you. You push on.

 

You feel something warm trickle down your upper-lip but you don’t realize it’s your nose bleeding until you taste blood a couple seconds later. Your headache’s wracking your skull, your pan feels like it’s being split in half. The voices get louder and louder until they become the source of the ringing in your ears instead of the echoing crushes of shattering planets. One voice swells until it drowns out all the  others.

 

Yours.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You are now Kurloz Makara. Though it was only a sweep ago you received the vision of your session’s demise as a futile glitch in need of resetting, it is only now you bring that premonition to fruition and what better way than by reenacting your messiah’s rise to power through the witch of time’s aid. Though this may involve mass destruction and killing your friends, the way you see it, the end justifies the  means.

 

It costed a lot to alchemize that kernalsprite but it was worth every chunk of grist. Damara expresses actual frustration for the first time since the page of doom joined the fray and she orders you to do something about him.

 

You release your puppets and they hit the ground like abandoned dolls. You crack your neck and set to work. You concentrate on where he’s located and once you find him, you reach into his skull and drive at the muscle responsible for his psionics. He fights you tooth and nail but he’s overcome with pain as you scrape at the delicate flesh of his pan.

 

You drink his misery. Damara hears screaming in the distance and cracks a smile.  He powers through the agony. He fights against your puppet strings but only succeeds in getting strangled on them. You can almost feel the blood leaking out of every orifice of his face as he becomes overwhelmed by the exertion.

 

By the time he’s lost all strength, Skaia’s in reach of the black hole and becomes swallowed by it. Having absorbed the psuedo-universe, it shrinks shut and disappears. Not how he planned this unfolding, but the results were same.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Damara touches down, her quartz descending beside her.

 

**TICK TOCK**

 

Mituna smears gold blood on the ground beneath him as he tries to turn his head.

 

**BREAK HEADS**

You stand over him, watching the other struggle with basic motor function.

 

**HONK HONK**

 

Damara slices the air with her wand, causing Meulin’s and Cronus’ unconscious forms to disappear in a flash of red light and spinning gears. Her job done, she returns to her current time 2 sweeps into the future.

 

You remain with Mituna and finish what you started, erasing memories and damaging cells. By the time you’re done, he’s doesn’t know up from down. You sit him up and stare at him. He starts to cry. You wipe the blood from his face with your sleeve and his crying is reduced to sniffling. You rub his cheek in a soft circular motion and he calms down. 

 

His memory lapses and starts to babble-talk so you nod along.


End file.
